Many days feel like a downward spiral into sin, sin and more sin. My failings as a wife and mother are always in my face and if I stop to take a closer look at things I'm easily overwhelmed with the immensity of how awful I am. I thought for a while that if I could just read my bible more, pray more, be alone for a while or have the chance to go to a bible study around other Christians that I would somehow
do better. Better at controlling my temper, have more patience with my babies, not complain and pout as much, be less negative. Of course I knew that as poor miserable sinners we can't "
do better" and will always struggle with sin, but at least maybe we could do a little less sinning right? Well, no. I'm not sure that it works that way. I realized over the last couple of weeks that all I can
do is repent daily. Repent to the Lord, repent to my husband and even repent to my children. That's all I got.
Daily repentance and contrition as our Catechism instructs. I think I'm finally getting it.
I've felt very overwhelmed with the responsibilities I've been given. I have many anxieties about how I will "successfully" care for my three children, keep the house relatively clean and straight, keep meals on the table at the right times and be the loving supportive wife I want to be. With all this weight on my shoulders I feel helpless at times. Some days I'm good. I have a better outlook, I know to take care of priorities and let other things go. I also have huge help right now with my mom being here. I have yet to see what life will be like once she's not here, washing, changing, feeding, cooking, cleaning for me. But I'm also beginning to learn that I MUST take one day at a time. Christ says
"Let tomorrow worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of it's own." Get what you can get done today, tomorrow will be another day to get another thing done. And the days that I feel so totally overwhelmed I have to be reminded that none of this is permanent. My babies will NOT be babies forever. They will at some point sleep most or all of the night, they will be able to clean up after themselves, they will get out of diapers , they will be able to feed themselves and play in the back yard alone. And one day I will have a quiet and empty house. I will have "time for myself". And I will I'm sure miss some of this current "chaos".
I was happy to find
this post a mother of 6 wrote on one of the verses that often comes to my mind and I'm beginning to understand,
"She shall be saved in childbearing." 1 timothy 2:15. In other words, she shall have to fiercely hang to Christ's promises of salvation when she feels salvation is far from her, she shall daily have to die to her own desires, she shall daily have to live for others. The flesh that is this frustrated and the soul that is this desperate for Christ's forgiveness can only be saved. Finding no help in myself, no strength, I have to turn to Christ. And He is always there to give me this help and strength. Honestly there are days I don't feel that He's given me enough but then there are times of clarity that I look back and can see that yes, He did. I made it through. My husband gave a sermon this Sunday that gave me comfort. Reminding me that faith is in things not seen. If we could see the things hoped for we would not need faith. I have faith that Christ will take me to His heaven, that my children will be cared for by His loving hand one way or another, and that I will get along day after day with His provision even when I can't see how.
Though I don't want to "just make it through". Some days are just gonna be that way I know but one of the reasons I began to blog was to write down the moments that I love about being a wife and mother. To remember the days that are wonderful, the priceless gifts I receive through my babies. I want to remember these moments more often. I want to be patient more often. I want to pray more often. It is God's will that I do so He will help me. I just can't expect that I will want to and certainly that I will be able to do it on my own. I was encouraged to read this from
evlogia:
A mother must be creative in prayer. Taking utter chaos and through it, by God's grace, affecting the order of her heart. Nights of nursing become opportunities to keep vigil. Mealtime interruptions, serving a hungry child, become moments to fast. Overflowing baskets of laundry become concrete reminders to pray for each family member, as each article of clothing is folded and put away. Little ways to capture the grace of the smallest, most ordinary moments. The art of motherhood.Instead of beating myself up for not
making time to pray I could find
times to pray throughout the day.
Again from evlogia:
The search for quiet has long been abandoned and I now listen amid the noise, creatively searching for any opportunity to catch a brief moment of grace. Within the clamor, the quiet of God's voice resonates clearly in the heart, but only when the noise of my complaining ceases. I must remember that my salvation and standing with God doesn't depend on what I do or how close I feel to Him. He is always faithful to me and His promises of forgiveness, life and salvation will be kept. I'm doing what He has called me to do. I must trust that while I've got my hands deep in Teddy Grahams and my head in dirty diaper pails He will do what He has promised and preserve me in the one true faith. The days get long and I get very hateful in my heart at times but I know He's always ready to forgive and each Sunday I hear His words of forgiveness even while a wiggly whiny baby makes it hard. We mamas can only hope and trust that His words are true and do what He says they do even when we feel like Polly Pagan. That's what we are apart from Him anyway, lost, condemned, utterly helpless, there's no use fooling ourselves into thinking otherwise. So we cry, "Lord have mercy".
