More to Lose.

Phil and I often talk about dying, not because we love the subject but sometimes to tease that he can't up and marry the first busty blond the meets at my funeral if I go first, sometimes we talk about it practically, what he'd do with the girls if I'm gone or if I know where all the important papers and passwords are if he is, etc. As a pastor he, and I through him, often face death with the many members we've had who have come to the end of their long life, come close to death or may even die suddenly. It's become a very normal part of our life. It's occurred to me over the past couple of years how much my feelings on my own death have greatly changed and unfortunately not for the better. To be honest I get really sad to think about dying. When I was single the thought of dying was something I anticipated, something I was willing and ready to encounter at any time. I used to think as the apostle Paul did "to die is gain" but now I can't help but think of what I'd be "losing". It's silly really but I just don't like the thought of leaving Phil and my little girls. I guess I think now I have so much to "live" for that I would miss so much if I went to be with Jesus. I think I have a better understanding now of what Paul means when he says in I Corinthian 7;

"The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband."

I'll admit that I have a serious little pout when I think that in heaven Phil will not be husband, that I've only been given this man for a short time. I also have a slightly bigger pout when I think that someone else might have to help raise my girls if I died while they're young. And I have the biggest pout ever when Phil tells me that he looks forward to dying! Why's he gotta be all eager to leave me?!

I know that this world is not our home, that we are passing through, here for a little while and headed for a sinless eternity in the presence of our loving Father in perfect communion with Him as He originally designed. I can only imagine how amazing (what a pathetic puny word to use, sorry!) that will be, wonderful, awesome in the true sense of the word (where's a thesaurus when you need it?). My longing for more time on this earth shows me just how sinful I am. That even my good desires, to be with my husband and to raise my babies, are dirtied by sin! It won't be until I have fallen asleep in Christ and with the Lord that I my desires will finally be pure and perfect. It will only be then that I can finally love the Lord as I should, as I want to. Until then I pray, "Lord have mercy".